Kick, push, kick, push, coast, and away the longboarders of Fort Hays go.

Everywhere you turn, everywhere you go, walking around campus, walking through one of the academic halls, you’re bound to see someone with a longboard. You can’t escape it. It’s true. Fort Hays has caught the longboard epidemic, and it’s caught the sickness hardcore. I’m afraid there may be no cure.

Last year there were only five longboarders on campus, max. That’s not that many, but how many are there now? A million? It sure seems like it. It’s a tad bit ridiculous. Yes, longboards are an efficient way to go from the dorms to Rarick Hall or any other academic hall. You know those days when you wake up late, can’t figure out what to wear or lose your shoe? That’s when a longboard comes in handy. It will cut your time getting to class in half.
You’re less likely to be late, not to mention you’ll look pretty cool coasting around on your longboard. But when everyone has one, you no longer look cool. You start to look like a conformist.

I’m starting to think there’s a secret longboard society that I don’t know about. They meet on a certain night in a certain, secret location to discuss certain longboard-like things – like the impending longboard apocalypse.
There are several people who think there will be a zombie apocalypse in the near future. Some even believe in a nuclear holocaust or alien invasion. Many people think the world will end in 2012. All wrong.

Those are only cover-ups as the longboarders meet secretly, planning to take over the world. The longboarders will arise: longboard apocalypse. Can’t you just see it? They’ll ride down the streets in line formations, burning all other kinds of boards and infecting everyone in their path by running them over. Local skate shops will be packed. People will flood in from everywhere to get their very own longboard. The sidewalks will be crowded. Cars will become a thing of the past.

And if you’re not infected yet, just wait. You will be soon. Someone out there will get to you. The boy in your world literature class will “accidentally” bump into you, and by then it’s too late. You’re already infected. There’s no running. There’s no hiding. Beware. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be a mindless, longboarding zombie.

Written By: Molly Walter